I keep thinking that all this angst is about making art. But it's not. It's about opening my heart again. The art stuff is just there in the background because it's something I want to do. But I can't. I can barely get out of bed each day. But that's just a symptom. Trust is the real issue. Because it seems to me if you can't trust, you can't love. And if you can't love it's impossible to do anything else.
Is trust something one can learn to do? I used to be the most trusting person. And then. . .
Did I lose the ability to trust? Is it a permanent loss? I don't know. I'm not sure I even know how to find the answer.
This is such a tough thing to deal with for me. For no matter how much I have been hurt, how much I mourn the loss of trust, my heart is still a fixed point. It has been since that summer at camp so many years ago. Hearts are amazing things. And it's really, really scary to open them up when there is no guarantee that they won't be broken again.
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