Change

Change is not easy.  In fact, it is downright difficult!  For habits they say it takes 28 days to change.  But what if you have to change yourself?  Your attitudes, the way you relate to specific people, maybe even the way you think?

And what happens when these changes mean you have to disavow most of your adult life?  In my case, it feels like a gnawing pain in the pit of my stomach when I wake up.  It feels like the adreneline flood of a panic attack.  None of this is very pleasant. 

As I wrote yesterday, I do know what I need to do.  I keep waiting for some sign that what I need to do won't wreck me completely.  My kids are visiting this week, which compounds what I am going through.  It's not as easy to be contemplative when they are here.  They have their own agenda and things they want me to do.  And I know I am being stubborn.  The choice is clear.  Can I make it?  Yes.  But can I let go of  the entire way I have lived my adult life?  Will there be anything left of the me I have been all this time?  Do I want to hold on to her?  And what happens if. . . ?  Would I survive?

Dang.  I wish this was easier.