Friday, October 30, 2015

Anger


During her childhood my youngest often asked, "Are you mad mommy?'  This question seemed odd,   I didn't think I was mad.  I certainly didn't feel mad at my kids at the time this was asked.  Looking back I should have tried to figure out why my kids thought I was often angry, but I didn't.

Shortly after the depression lifted, I was at a bank trying to deal with my mortgage.  I went to one branch and they sent me to another.  The second branch sent me to a third and they suggested I go to the branch which had issued the mortgage.  It was very frustrating.  As I left the bank I saw the glass door leading to the parking lot.  All I wanted to do was kick it so hard the door shattered.  Had I acted on it you would have seen RAGE, footage on the 6 o'clock news and probably a broken foot!  Instead I opened the door, walked to my car, and sat, amazed at these rather out-of-control emotions!  It was an "ah ha" moment, where I got why my youngest had asked so many times, "Are you mad mommy?"  I was.  I had a huge well of anger which had been stuck under the lid of depression all those years.

Anger scares the hell out of me.  I avoid it at all costs. Arguments and heated disagreements between anyone are scary too.  Recently I was with my youngest.  She was upset about things I had done in her childhood.  I said, it's ok to be angry with me.  But as she said, it really isn't.  She can't express her anger at me.  No one can.   Not even me.  I'm not exactly sure what will happen.  Will the world explode into a million pieces?  Will I?  What about the other people?

And because anger is so scary, when I feel anger and can't sort it out, I revert to what was always the acceptable behavior from my childhood -- be sad, be depressed, be quiet, tamp the anger down.  I really need to find a better solution!

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Overcoming the Habits of Depression


In 1992 I took to my bed and didn't/couldn't get up for two weeks.  It was then that I acknowledged I was probably suffering from depression.  I actually wasn't unhappy, just debilitated.  I read, I wrote in my journal, I tried to figure it all out.  This episode was set off by someone else defining me -- and me not standing up for what I want.

The trigger occurred while I was at a wholesale gift show with people from an antique co-op I was part of.  They were celebrity hounds.  They were going to hang out outside The Golden Globes awards and watch for actors.  I really didn't want to go.  I went to college with Robin Williams; the producer of Dr Kildare was the father of a close friend of mine; the son of the actress who played Josephine the Plummer on those commercials was in my 4th grade class,  To me, celebrities are ordinary people with high profile jobs . . .  and I was hungry!  But they said, "Of course you want to go, you'll have fun."  I didn't argue.  I just let them define me.  Instead of saying, no I don't want to do this, I went.  It was cold.  I was hungry.  I didn't care about seeing celebrities.  And as the night wore on and I didn't have a way to get back to our hotel, I got more and more miserable.

My life might have turned out a whole lot better if I had acknowledge how LIVID I was.  If I had just blown up, gotten mad, thrown things, not apologized for any of it and carried on.  Or if I had gone to therapy to see why this had triggered such a response.  But I didn't.  In my family it was never ok to be angry, while crying and miserable was perfectly acceptable.

In 2001 I had a healing of the depression.  It was wonderful.  The world looked to be a whole lot brighter place, literally.  I no longer heard the tape saying I was lazy, in fact it was (and still is) very quiet in my head.  It was very evident to me, my husband, and my kids that a healing had occurred!

But since that time things have happened that have been tough for me.  Relationship woes, which I wrote about two years ago.  Mom issues, which are currently calling for my attention.  Everyone involved knows I'm no longer depressed.  That is nice.  But the healing is incomplete.  When I am sad, this habit of acting like a depressed person takes over.  It is affecting my ability to get things done and more importantly it is affecting my most precious relationship with my kids.

So I am committed to sorting this out.  I know a therapist.  I will write, which always shows me what is really going on with me.  I will study and pray.  You're invited to come along as I find a way to live the life I want.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Getting My Life in Order


Three weeks ago I started an online course entitled Blogging from the Heart.  Now in general, I like taking classes.  I'm not always real good at finishing them, but I always start out quite gung ho.*  This course started the same, great enthusiasm, lots of note taking and pondering.  Then I noticed something wonderful: I kept going!  I have read all the lessons so far.  I have done all the exercises.  And the weekends are a little sad because there are no lessons then!  It's a first for me.  The only thing I hadn't done is write a new blog post.

Monday thru Friday I get a lovely message in my inbox from Susannah Conway, with a lesson pertaining to that week's topic. So far I have examined blogs I love; written a mission statement; examined why I want to blog; and discovered the unasked, but for me, more important question, "why did you start your blog?" I have also looked at who I am writing for, finding my voice, being original and being vulnerable, plus getting all sorts of tips on writing, etc. This course is amazing!

Today when I opened the email I was particularly struck by the encouragement --
 " . . . hopefully you feel a little more comfortable about sharing your heart on your blog."  
So I came over here, because this is a blog where I have shared my heart.  And I realized this is still a blog where I want to share my heart.  It has been two years since I posted here.  My last series of posts were cathartic.  But also wrung me out.  I guess I needed the break.

This morning I read those old posts and knew it was time to get my life together, as it is now.  New issues.  And to do that I think I need to be a lot kinder to myself.  I have a lot of things I want to accomplish and a tendency, when overwhelmed, to stay in bed, read, or watch netflix.

Today I am giving myself a break -- a break from scolding myself.   From thinking before hand I can't get anything done, so why try.  From all the family members (me included) who have defined me as lazy or unproductive.  From thinking that whatever I do is the wrong thing and whenever I start it is already too late.

Instead I am going to notice the things I do today.  And I am going to rejoice in them.  In my 20's I was a summer camp counselor at a co-ed church camp.  Every Sunday evening we had a staff meeting -- to give needed information and also to share the good things that had happened that week.  The counselor for the littlest boys (6-7 yr olds) shared that each day he looked to find something to be grateful for in each of his campers.  One camper was very challenging.  The whole staff knew about him.  But the counselor said this camper brushed his teeth every day and while it was the only thing he found to be grateful for, at least there was this!  So while I think I will do more today than brushing my teeth, I know there is one thing I can be grateful for in myself!