Thursday, September 12, 2013

Learning from the movies

I am a sappy romantic.  I love romantic movies and television shows and the idea that people might be fated to be together.  I could name more than a dozen movies with the concept of fateful meeting or staying together despite all odds.  I could also name movies like The Way We Were, Two for the Road and Casablanca, which I also love, where true love did not win out.  It just seems to me that watching someone else on the screen (big or small), can sometimes tell me what is true in my life. 

Today I was wondering what keeps people together, when sometimes the bad memories overwhelm the good.  If two people belong together how do they deal with feelings of disappointment, of potential unrealized?  How do I deal with those things?  How do I reconcile the idea that some people belong together, with my belief that there is not just one person for each of us.  Does fate play a role in real life, the way if often does in the movies?  What keeps couples together?  What has kept us together?  There have been times when I was ready to leave.  Times when he was ready to leave.  And yet, here we are.  Still together.

I guess what I really wish is that I wasn't so aware of the difficult times.  I haven't forgotten them.  I'm not the most forgiving person in the world.  I can hold onto grudges and old hurts.  And while I am very proud of my amazing memory and all the wonderful things of the past, it's not a selective memory, more's the pity!  Where are the machines from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

I do not have an answer.  I do not know what is needed of me to let go of the ugly past and keep only the golden shining memories.  And is it realistic to do so?  As with all things in my life I want to work out, I will keep thinking and writing and watching romantic movies to see if I can find the answers. 

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Forgiveness

Early on in this month of attempting to get un-stuck, I realized that the whole key to moving ahead  is forgiveness.  There is an important person in my life that I have to forgive. But knowing that and doing it have been a whole 'nother thing. I have been so angry and I have not wanted to forgive.  It just never seemed fair that I have been so hurt and the other person seemed to get off without punishment.

This morning I had a major meltdown.  I was in pain and scared. overwhelmed, hopeless.  Luckily there are people I can turn to who are always there to help, to give comfort and healing thoughts and that was what happened.  But once I had calmed down, I realized I have been so involved in my own hurt and pain that I don't always listen, specially not to the person who I want to forgive.  So I wandered downstairs and said, "I'm sorry,  Do you want to talk about it?'

And I just let the other person talk.  I listened.  I answered when a question was asked or a comment sought.  Interestingly the conversation was actually all about me.  Only this time it wasn't me doing all the talking, or even most of it. 

And what I took from the conversation is that I can forgive without ever saying or thinking that the trespass was ok.  Forgiving is not about saying it's alright when others do or say bad things.  It's about letting go so we can move forward.  And that maybe, in this case, I don't have to consciously forgive.  I can know that forgiveness is what is needed and trust God to get me there in the gentlest way.  That it's possible to get to forgiveness and only after it has been given to realize I am there.