The Past Two Years

I didn't mean to stop writing this blog.

I think what happened is I actually did write out my pain and sorrow and come to a place of peace.  The relationship I was sorting out did not end, tho I hardly ever thought it would.  It limped along for another year and a half and then six months ago it became loving, trusting, and fun again.  So good, in fact, that I am planning some time in a warmer climate while he has to stay home and work.  That may seem odd, but I have always loved to travel and he has not.  Until I lost trust, I would take off and think nothing about it.  Then I worried what might happen if I was someplace else for an extended period.  I guess I can say the trust is back.  Otherwise I never would have planned this trip.

So relationship woes seem to be at an end.

I am still looking to up my productivity and live a more creative life.  I'm not sure what is needed for that, but I'm open to see where this takes me.

Learning from the movies

I am a sappy romantic.  I love romantic movies and television shows and the idea that people might be fated to be together.  I could name more than a dozen movies with the concept of fateful meeting or staying together despite all odds.  I could also name movies like The Way We Were, Two for the Road and Casablanca, which I also love, where true love did not win out.  It just seems to me that watching someone else on the screen (big or small), can sometimes tell me what is true in my life. 

Today I was wondering what keeps people together, when sometimes the bad memories overwhelm the good.  If two people belong together how do they deal with feelings of disappointment, of potential unrealized?  How do I deal with those things?  How do I reconcile the idea that some people belong together, with my belief that there is not just one person for each of us.  Does fate play a role in real life, the way if often does in the movies?  What keeps couples together?  What has kept us together?  There have been times when I was ready to leave.  Times when he was ready to leave.  And yet, here we are.  Still together.

I guess what I really wish is that I wasn't so aware of the difficult times.  I haven't forgotten them.  I'm not the most forgiving person in the world.  I can hold onto grudges and old hurts.  And while I am very proud of my amazing memory and all the wonderful things of the past, it's not a selective memory, more's the pity!  Where are the machines from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

I do not have an answer.  I do not know what is needed of me to let go of the ugly past and keep only the golden shining memories.  And is it realistic to do so?  As with all things in my life I want to work out, I will keep thinking and writing and watching romantic movies to see if I can find the answers. 

Forgiveness

Early on in this month of attempting to get un-stuck, I realized that the whole key to moving ahead  is forgiveness.  There is an important person in my life that I have to forgive. But knowing that and doing it have been a whole 'nother thing. I have been so angry and I have not wanted to forgive.  It just never seemed fair that I have been so hurt and the other person seemed to get off without punishment.

This morning I had a major meltdown.  I was in pain and scared. overwhelmed, hopeless.  Luckily there are people I can turn to who are always there to help, to give comfort and healing thoughts and that was what happened.  But once I had calmed down, I realized I have been so involved in my own hurt and pain that I don't always listen, specially not to the person who I want to forgive.  So I wandered downstairs and said, "I'm sorry,  Do you want to talk about it?'

And I just let the other person talk.  I listened.  I answered when a question was asked or a comment sought.  Interestingly the conversation was actually all about me.  Only this time it wasn't me doing all the talking, or even most of it. 

And what I took from the conversation is that I can forgive without ever saying or thinking that the trespass was ok.  Forgiving is not about saying it's alright when others do or say bad things.  It's about letting go so we can move forward.  And that maybe, in this case, I don't have to consciously forgive.  I can know that forgiveness is what is needed and trust God to get me there in the gentlest way.  That it's possible to get to forgiveness and only after it has been given to realize I am there. 

Tough

I have come to the end of the month.  I wanted to blog every day.  I didn't.  Still I'm really pleased I was able to write as often as I did.  It didn't turn out to be a way to establish my business, which was the inspiration for the daily post goal.  But writing here has been insightful and helpful.  I have gotten no comments and I'm ok about that.  This has gotten me over the thought that only with feedback can my words be validated.  I have written for myself.

Still I have accomplished some business related things: 

I have set up and sold at the flea market 8 times.

I have sold 205 things, that's 205 items out of my studio.

I have made $853, which is way more than I would have made if I spent the time watching netflix!

I discovered a women's group of small business owners, including some artists.  I have connected with a coach.  I have signed up for a retreat to allow me to walk into my dreams.

I haven't made any art.  I haven't wholeheartedly committed to my relationship.  I know the only thing needed to do both is to forgive with my whole heart.  It wasn't an easy thing to discover.  I find it is not an easy thing for me to do.  I am still resisting.  I have a sneaking suspicion that I am the one getting hurt the most.  But I'm not giving up on myself or my goal -- to be creative and happy.  I am just going to have to keep going. 

The Coming New Year

I am feeling the anticipation of a new year.  I am not Jewish and didn't celebrate the High Holy Days growing up, but school friends and neighbors did, and somehow it stuck with me that this is my new year.   It makes sense to begin a new year when the crops are in, when school begins, when the ease and frivolity of summer are at a close and it is time to get down to serious whatever. 

This time of year always energizes me.  It's the time I want to clean my house.  Start new projects.  Renew committments.  Atone and repent and spend time really looking at what I want for my year, what I want for my life.

Hold On

Someone's coming to inspect my house tomorrow, so life, worries, relationship issues, art and such have been put on hold while I deal with the stuff.  And I'm not even dealing with it on an emotional level, just physically cleaning and moving and making the place look like it is insurable.

I can't clean the whole house in 3 days.  I thought I could clean 3 rooms, but I forgot how much cleaning was needed.  And perhaps cleanliness isn't the issue.  As far as I know there are no termites.  The roof is less than a year old and the heating, and electrical systems work fine.  The basement and cellar, yes it's a funky old house and has one of each, never flood.  The only water damage we have ever suffered are broken pipes and a leaky roof and both have been addressed.

It hasn't been easy dealing with this.  A lot of heavy lifting.  It's not all my stuff and that has been hard for DH.  I know how much useless shit I have kicking around.  He has had tocome face to face with his junk the last 2 days and it has not been a pretty sight.  I'd love to be kind and tell him it doesn't matter, but it does.  The stuff he has clogging what might be his home office/studio keep him from working or practicing there.  Hell, they keep him from so much.  So I can't make him feel better, cuz he just might have to hit bottom to deal with it -- I'd say once and for all (I know this post is way too full of cliches). but if you tend to clutter, you have to deal with it weekly, if not daily.

There are a bunch of songs with the title or refrain, Hold On.  And all of them say pretty much the same.  Life isn't always easy.  But if you hold on, even if only for one more day, things just might get better.

The inspector's visit may be completely anticlimactic.  But out of it,  I got a really clean bedroom, a more open great room, and, if I can do it, an upper hallway that isn't a maze! 

Through the Ringer

Is it fair to put someone through the ringer for past mis-deeds?  When does the statute of limitations run out on "you done me wrong" recriminations?  Is there a way to work out these feelings of hurt and fear without beating someone else up, metaphorically speaking?  I don't know the answer to any of these questions.  Well I know therapy is a possible solution, I'm just not going that route.  I know I never mean the conversations to be mean.  I actually often think I am just talking about what is affecting me.  Maybe I will just share what I am thinking.  It all starts without any malice.  I just want to share my feelings.  But I think I have finally discovered that my feelings are so dark and festering, that to share them with anyone but this blog or a therapist, who might be able to help, is really cruel.  It is pretending to be factual, when in reality I am venomous.

So even tho I am still hurting, it really isn't fair to ask another person to feel as rotten as I do without some sort of solution or healing involved in the conversation.  If one really can't say something constructive about a problem it's time to let it go or get professional help.

Wish it was like this ringer washing machine - EASY!