Friday, October 30, 2015
During her childhood my youngest often asked, "Are you mad mommy?' This question seemed odd, I didn't think I was mad. I certainly didn't feel mad at my kids at the time this was asked. Looking back I should have tried to figure out why my kids thought I was often angry, but I didn't.
Shortly after the depression lifted, I was at a bank trying to deal with my mortgage. I went to one branch and they sent me to another. The second branch sent me to a third and they suggested I go to the branch which had issued the mortgage. It was very frustrating. As I left the bank I saw the glass door leading to the parking lot. All I wanted to do was kick it so hard the door shattered. Had I acted on it you would have seen RAGE, footage on the 6 o'clock news and probably a broken foot! Instead I opened the door, walked to my car, and sat, amazed at these rather out-of-control emotions! It was an "ah ha" moment, where I got why my youngest had asked so many times, "Are you mad mommy?" I was. I had a huge well of anger which had been stuck under the lid of depression all those years.
Anger scares the hell out of me. I avoid it at all costs. Arguments and heated disagreements between anyone are scary too. Recently I was with my youngest. She was upset about things I had done in her childhood. I said, it's ok to be angry with me. But as she said, it really isn't. She can't express her anger at me. No one can. Not even me. I'm not exactly sure what will happen. Will the world explode into a million pieces? Will I? What about the other people?
And because anger is so scary, when I feel anger and can't sort it out, I revert to what was always the acceptable behavior from my childhood -- be sad, be depressed, be quiet, tamp the anger down. I really need to find a better solution!
at 9:14 AM