I am feeling the anticipation of a new year. I am not Jewish and didn't celebrate the High Holy Days growing up, but school friends and neighbors did, and somehow it stuck with me that this is my new year. It makes sense to begin a new year when the crops are in, when school begins, when the ease and frivolity of summer are at a close and it is time to get down to serious whatever.
This time of year always energizes me. It's the time I want to clean my house. Start new projects. Renew committments. Atone and repent and spend time really looking at what I want for my year, what I want for my life.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Hold On
Someone's coming to inspect my house tomorrow, so life, worries, relationship issues, art and such have been put on hold while I deal with the stuff. And I'm not even dealing with it on an emotional level, just physically cleaning and moving and making the place look like it is insurable.
I can't clean the whole house in 3 days. I thought I could clean 3 rooms, but I forgot how much cleaning was needed. And perhaps cleanliness isn't the issue. As far as I know there are no termites. The roof is less than a year old and the heating, and electrical systems work fine. The basement and cellar, yes it's a funky old house and has one of each, never flood. The only water damage we have ever suffered are broken pipes and a leaky roof and both have been addressed.
It hasn't been easy dealing with this. A lot of heavy lifting. It's not all my stuff and that has been hard for DH. I know how much useless shit I have kicking around. He has had tocome face to face with his junk the last 2 days and it has not been a pretty sight. I'd love to be kind and tell him it doesn't matter, but it does. The stuff he has clogging what might be his home office/studio keep him from working or practicing there. Hell, they keep him from so much. So I can't make him feel better, cuz he just might have to hit bottom to deal with it -- I'd say once and for all (I know this post is way too full of cliches). but if you tend to clutter, you have to deal with it weekly, if not daily.
There are a bunch of songs with the title or refrain, Hold On. And all of them say pretty much the same. Life isn't always easy. But if you hold on, even if only for one more day, things just might get better.
The inspector's visit may be completely anticlimactic. But out of it, I got a really clean bedroom, a more open great room, and, if I can do it, an upper hallway that isn't a maze!
I can't clean the whole house in 3 days. I thought I could clean 3 rooms, but I forgot how much cleaning was needed. And perhaps cleanliness isn't the issue. As far as I know there are no termites. The roof is less than a year old and the heating, and electrical systems work fine. The basement and cellar, yes it's a funky old house and has one of each, never flood. The only water damage we have ever suffered are broken pipes and a leaky roof and both have been addressed.
It hasn't been easy dealing with this. A lot of heavy lifting. It's not all my stuff and that has been hard for DH. I know how much useless shit I have kicking around. He has had tocome face to face with his junk the last 2 days and it has not been a pretty sight. I'd love to be kind and tell him it doesn't matter, but it does. The stuff he has clogging what might be his home office/studio keep him from working or practicing there. Hell, they keep him from so much. So I can't make him feel better, cuz he just might have to hit bottom to deal with it -- I'd say once and for all (I know this post is way too full of cliches). but if you tend to clutter, you have to deal with it weekly, if not daily.
There are a bunch of songs with the title or refrain, Hold On. And all of them say pretty much the same. Life isn't always easy. But if you hold on, even if only for one more day, things just might get better.
The inspector's visit may be completely anticlimactic. But out of it, I got a really clean bedroom, a more open great room, and, if I can do it, an upper hallway that isn't a maze!
Monday, August 19, 2013
Through the Ringer
Is it fair to put someone through the ringer for past mis-deeds? When does the statute of limitations run out on "you done me wrong" recriminations? Is there a way to work out these feelings of hurt and fear without beating someone else up, metaphorically speaking? I don't know the answer to any of these questions. Well I know therapy is a possible solution, I'm just not going that route. I know I never mean the conversations to be mean. I actually often think I am just talking about what is affecting me. Maybe I will just share what I am thinking. It all starts without any malice. I just want to share my feelings. But I think I have finally discovered that my feelings are so dark and festering, that to share them with anyone but this blog or a therapist, who might be able to help, is really cruel. It is pretending to be factual, when in reality I am venomous.
So even tho I am still hurting, it really isn't fair to ask another person to feel as rotten as I do without some sort of solution or healing involved in the conversation. If one really can't say something constructive about a problem it's time to let it go or get professional help.
Wish it was like this ringer washing machine - EASY!
Saturday, August 17, 2013
What I'm Thinking Today
At the beginning of the month it was a lot easier to post every day. No kids visiting. Husband at work daily. This last couple weeks have brought everyone home and on holiday for a while. It's nice and tough at the same time.
And on the one hand I can be very content in my own little world. I rarely get lonely when I am alone. I either think a lot or escape a lot. But no one knows or passes any judgement. On the other hand, it's good for me to be around my family. They are who I am working through issues with. And they are the ones who force me to deal with my stuff and make me recognize how resistant to change I have become.
On the topic of stuff removal, I had another fabulous day of selling stuff at the local flea market. I even got rid of a bunch of china when a shelf blew over and serious breakage occurred. It's funny, but it just doesn't bother me that stuff broke. I picked up the pieces and put them in the trash. I'm sorry people won't get to buy some pretty things, but I don't have to unpack or pack those things up ever again. The other vendors were very upset. But really it was just an alternative way of removing things I no longer want or need. And I guess if it turns out to bother me after I have slept on it, I'll return here and write about it.
Over and out, good night!
And on the one hand I can be very content in my own little world. I rarely get lonely when I am alone. I either think a lot or escape a lot. But no one knows or passes any judgement. On the other hand, it's good for me to be around my family. They are who I am working through issues with. And they are the ones who force me to deal with my stuff and make me recognize how resistant to change I have become.
On the topic of stuff removal, I had another fabulous day of selling stuff at the local flea market. I even got rid of a bunch of china when a shelf blew over and serious breakage occurred. It's funny, but it just doesn't bother me that stuff broke. I picked up the pieces and put them in the trash. I'm sorry people won't get to buy some pretty things, but I don't have to unpack or pack those things up ever again. The other vendors were very upset. But really it was just an alternative way of removing things I no longer want or need. And I guess if it turns out to bother me after I have slept on it, I'll return here and write about it.
Over and out, good night!
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Your Song
I am taking a journey of discovery and healing this month. Today I have had another ah ha moment.
I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences and that all things both happen for a reason and work together for good to them that love God... So it shouldn't amaze me that somehow I chanced upon The Actor's Studio interview with Elton John. Because listening to that program has taken me one more step into the realm of forgiveness and pardon.
It's a great interview which includes Elton John playing Your Song, a song that always reminds me of my sister. I used to visit her a lot her freshman year at UCLA. One visit in particular came flooding back to me. I have been awfully angry about something that was done to me years ago. And while listening to this beautiful song, I realized I actually did the same thing to someone else. There's no way I can apologize for my misdeed. But what I can do is recognize I didn't do it to hurt another. I was just very young and thought-less. And if I had no evil intent, perhaps the person who hurt me didn't either. If I am willing to forgive myself for messing up, I need to forgive the individual who hurt me.
Step by step I am undoing the things I have let stop me fully expressing myself. I'm kinda amazed. But it doesn't amaze me that the keys to healing should come via music. That is the most natural thing in the world.
I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences and that all things both happen for a reason and work together for good to them that love God... So it shouldn't amaze me that somehow I chanced upon The Actor's Studio interview with Elton John. Because listening to that program has taken me one more step into the realm of forgiveness and pardon.
It's a great interview which includes Elton John playing Your Song, a song that always reminds me of my sister. I used to visit her a lot her freshman year at UCLA. One visit in particular came flooding back to me. I have been awfully angry about something that was done to me years ago. And while listening to this beautiful song, I realized I actually did the same thing to someone else. There's no way I can apologize for my misdeed. But what I can do is recognize I didn't do it to hurt another. I was just very young and thought-less. And if I had no evil intent, perhaps the person who hurt me didn't either. If I am willing to forgive myself for messing up, I need to forgive the individual who hurt me.
Step by step I am undoing the things I have let stop me fully expressing myself. I'm kinda amazed. But it doesn't amaze me that the keys to healing should come via music. That is the most natural thing in the world.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
A Quiet, Empty House
Which comes first, the title or the content? That has nothing to do with this post, it's just something I was thinking about before starting to write. In this case I am writing first. The title will have to reveal itself when I get to the end.
I have been obsessively watching a TV show on netflix. I think I will continue to watch until I get every bit of wisdom and help I can get out of it. It may seem funny to look for direction that way, but this show seems to touch me and my hopes, my dreams, and my past in a way that makes sense and shows me a way to go.
Everyone left for the afternoon. Dad drove the gang to Boston where one kid lives, one is visiting friends and I am left with a quiet, empty house. It's nice. These days I am more sensitive to criticism than I have been since I lived with my parents. I need these respites from people who love me, want only the best for me, but have definite opinions of what I should and shouldn't do.
I'm not saying they aren't right in their opinions. It's just easier to watch this funny, quirky, sweet TV show and see if I can't find the impetus to move where I need to move. It's easier to watch characters dealing with issues similar to mine. Unlike me, they have writers to give them their lines. And even when the characters appear tongue-tied or angry or sad or any other emotion that mimics what I am feeling, they manage to say things that are poignant or witty or endearing. I try to talk all this stuff out, but it always sounds so much better in my head. A staff of writers would be such an improvement!
Slowly I am finding hope. A sense that I can be happy. That I can be loving and caring and not at the effect of either past events or stuff. It still feels like I have a way to go, but it also feels like I am walking toward the light at the end of the tunnel and not into the deep dark cave.
So what will I call this post? Hope? Peace? Guess I'll just name it for what surrounds me right now.
I have been obsessively watching a TV show on netflix. I think I will continue to watch until I get every bit of wisdom and help I can get out of it. It may seem funny to look for direction that way, but this show seems to touch me and my hopes, my dreams, and my past in a way that makes sense and shows me a way to go.
Everyone left for the afternoon. Dad drove the gang to Boston where one kid lives, one is visiting friends and I am left with a quiet, empty house. It's nice. These days I am more sensitive to criticism than I have been since I lived with my parents. I need these respites from people who love me, want only the best for me, but have definite opinions of what I should and shouldn't do.
I'm not saying they aren't right in their opinions. It's just easier to watch this funny, quirky, sweet TV show and see if I can't find the impetus to move where I need to move. It's easier to watch characters dealing with issues similar to mine. Unlike me, they have writers to give them their lines. And even when the characters appear tongue-tied or angry or sad or any other emotion that mimics what I am feeling, they manage to say things that are poignant or witty or endearing. I try to talk all this stuff out, but it always sounds so much better in my head. A staff of writers would be such an improvement!
Slowly I am finding hope. A sense that I can be happy. That I can be loving and caring and not at the effect of either past events or stuff. It still feels like I have a way to go, but it also feels like I am walking toward the light at the end of the tunnel and not into the deep dark cave.
So what will I call this post? Hope? Peace? Guess I'll just name it for what surrounds me right now.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Change
Change is not easy. In fact, it is downright difficult! For habits they say it takes 28 days to change. But what if you have to change yourself? Your attitudes, the way you relate to specific people, maybe even the way you think?
And what happens when these changes mean you have to disavow most of your adult life? In my case, it feels like a gnawing pain in the pit of my stomach when I wake up. It feels like the adreneline flood of a panic attack. None of this is very pleasant.
As I wrote yesterday, I do know what I need to do. I keep waiting for some sign that what I need to do won't wreck me completely. My kids are visiting this week, which compounds what I am going through. It's not as easy to be contemplative when they are here. They have their own agenda and things they want me to do. And I know I am being stubborn. The choice is clear. Can I make it? Yes. But can I let go of the entire way I have lived my adult life? Will there be anything left of the me I have been all this time? Do I want to hold on to her? And what happens if. . . ? Would I survive?
Dang. I wish this was easier.
And what happens when these changes mean you have to disavow most of your adult life? In my case, it feels like a gnawing pain in the pit of my stomach when I wake up. It feels like the adreneline flood of a panic attack. None of this is very pleasant.
As I wrote yesterday, I do know what I need to do. I keep waiting for some sign that what I need to do won't wreck me completely. My kids are visiting this week, which compounds what I am going through. It's not as easy to be contemplative when they are here. They have their own agenda and things they want me to do. And I know I am being stubborn. The choice is clear. Can I make it? Yes. But can I let go of the entire way I have lived my adult life? Will there be anything left of the me I have been all this time? Do I want to hold on to her? And what happens if. . . ? Would I survive?
Dang. I wish this was easier.
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