Sitting on My Duff

It was been a tough couple months.

I went out to an "wonderful" art weekend/glitterfest and didn't have a wonderful time. I was so excited about it and told lots of people - my friends, of course and folks like the tellers at my bank, my hairdresser, waitresses at my fav restaurant -- who all remember and have asked me. I hate having to say it was a disappointment. I hate that it was a disappointment. I put so much energy into it. The travel, getting things ready to sell, making things for a couple of swaps. And after all that it was such a let-down.

I meant to make things, sell things, be a dynamo when I returned and I find I am spending way too much time playing computer games and watching dvd's. It's like the disappointment has just sapped all my energy and I don't wanna do anything!

And the craziest thing is that the classes were fantastic. They were really world class. I learned so much stuff in them and made such wonderful things. And the teachers and special guest speakers were wonderful. They are women I have admired for years. Half of the books in my studio are written or published by them. I connected with the teachers, at least I felt they thought I was interesting. If I would get out of my self-pitying state, I might discover the connection was not short lived. Or I might not, of course.

But the whole problem with this weekend is I expected to feel a part of the group. It was billed as a place where one can find instant connection. Where people "get" you and the bonding is strong and lasting. No one got me. I felt no instant (or otherwise) bonding with women who I have read their blogs and they mine. I felt an outsider, not part of the group. No one came up to me and said, "Hi." Everyone was quite stand-offish and even the people I met at meals didn't make any effort to hang out with me.

On the way home I realized how tired of feeling lonely and isolated I am. I have real friends, but most of them do not get any of my art interests or style. I even called my best friend and asked her if there is something wrong with me that I didn't make any friends. She, of course, was no help at all! As she said, "how can I tell you why you didn't make any friends, I love you, I can't see why you wouldn't make friends."

Writing this all out is actually awfully helpful. I realize as I write that the issue really wasn't one of making friends. I really do have some wonderful friends, even if most of them live far away and I miss having them around to go out to lunch with. But the issue is feeling part of a group. Ever since moving to the East Coast 10 years ago, I have not felt part of any group. Back in CA I was part of a bunch of groups -- Girl Scouts, PTA, soccer moms, creative women who were also moms (yes, I do see the theme there). Here I haven't found any groups to be a part of. My kids are grown so PTA & Girl Scouts & AYSO just aren't my thing anymore. I really thought a group of artists and bloggers would be perfect. I thought because I read their blogs and they read mine that we were part of a group. Meeting them proved that was sadly not true. *sigh* Perhaps its telling that the teachers and speakers, who welcomed talking with me, are more my age. Most of the participants are probably 15+ years younger. And the ones my age were there with their daughters!

I'd actually love to return to this event next year. The classes really were amazing! Even with high expectations for those I don't think they would disappoint! But would I be able to enjoy it if I felt just as on the fringes as this year? I don't know. Would I go thinking it would be different cuz it was my second year and then be disappointed all over again? I am glad I went for the experience. It would be nice to say I'm glad I went for the experience and it was fantastic!