What I Need to Do

I had thought to write every day this month.  It was a quest to find my artistic voice and see how I could express more creativity.  It is a wonderful thing to go on a quest.  It can be deeply spiritual.  Like a retreat. Or wanting to find meaning in the universe.  It can also be ridiculously absurd.  Like Monty Python's pursuit of the Holy Grail.  But you never know what your quest will reveal.

This one has shown me the fear that is stopping me in almost every aspect of my life.  And it has also shown me what I need to do.  But in order to move forward, I really am going to have to take a huge leap of faith and make a choice.  And that choice is the most terrifying thing I can imagine right now.

As debilitating as my current circumstances are, it seems so much easier to do nothing different.  To live with all the stuff.  To escape in my usual ways.  To give lip service to being an artist, but never make any effort to create daily.  To go through the motions in my relationships with friends & family.  Honestly, I would rather not change.   It means I would have to let go of some old hurts and forgive both myself and others.  And I am very scared.  To do what I need to do opens me up to the possibility of great pain and sorrow.  It could also open me up to a wonderful creative and fulfilling life. 

I know what I need to do.  I still don't know if I can do it.