Overcoming the Habits of Depression

In 1992 I took to my bed and didn't/couldn't get up for two weeks.  It was then that I acknowledged I was probably suffering from depression.  I actually wasn't unhappy, just debilitated.  I read, I wrote in my journal, I tried to figure it all out.  This episode was set off by someone else defining me -- and me not standing up for what I want.

The trigger occurred while I was at a wholesale gift show with people from an antique co-op I was part of.  They were celebrity hounds.  They were going to hang out outside The Golden Globes awards and watch for actors.  I really didn't want to go.  I went to college with Robin Williams; the producer of Dr Kildare was the father of a close friend of mine; the son of the actress who played Josephine the Plummer on those commercials was in my 4th grade class,  To me, celebrities are ordinary people with high profile jobs . . .  and I was hungry!  But they said, "Of course you want to go, you'll have fun."  I didn't argue.  I just let them define me.  Instead of saying, no I don't want to do this, I went.  It was cold.  I was hungry.  I didn't care about seeing celebrities.  And as the night wore on and I didn't have a way to get back to our hotel, I got more and more miserable.

My life might have turned out a whole lot better if I had acknowledge how LIVID I was.  If I had just blown up, gotten mad, thrown things, not apologized for any of it and carried on.  Or if I had gone to therapy to see why this had triggered such a response.  But I didn't.  In my family it was never ok to be angry, while crying and miserable was perfectly acceptable.

In 2001 I had a healing of the depression.  It was wonderful.  The world looked to be a whole lot brighter place, literally.  I no longer heard the tape saying I was lazy, in fact it was (and still is) very quiet in my head.  It was very evident to me, my husband, and my kids that a healing had occurred!

But since that time things have happened that have been tough for me.  Relationship woes, which I wrote about two years ago.  Mom issues, which are currently calling for my attention.  Everyone involved knows I'm no longer depressed.  That is nice.  But the healing is incomplete.  When I am sad, this habit of acting like a depressed person takes over.  It is affecting my ability to get things done and more importantly it is affecting my most precious relationship with my kids.

So I am committed to sorting this out.  I know a therapist.  I will write, which always shows me what is really going on with me.  I will study and pray.  You're invited to come along as I find a way to live the life I want.