Beauty In The Simple Things

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be an artist.

Bob Dylan's lyrics She's got everything she needs/She's an artist/She don't look back were the words I wanted to live my life by. I still get a secret smile on my face when I hear the song or think the lyrics.

I have a friend who is an artist and she has always intimidated me. I love her work. I think I am what is called in art circles, a major collector of her work. We probably own 20 pieces.

But my work tends to be a little too much on the craft side for her. I know she has great expectations for me that I haven't fulfilled. Charles Schultz said it best, "There is no greater burden that great potential."

Today as I was starting a project, I opened my inspiration book and discovered the page headed

WHO ARE YOU?
AND WHAT IS IT YOU ARE TRYING TO SAY?

I have struggled for years with what I was trying to say. My artist friend is big on having something to say with one's art. And until today I didn't consciously know my answer.

Today I realized I do have something to say. And what I want to say with my art is that Life is Beautiful. Beauty is all around. Beauty is in the simple things.

I don't want to address larger political issues when I am creating. I don't want to right the wrongs of the world. Those are important things and I care about them, but when I am creating I just want to make beautiful things that make people smile or catch their breath and feel good.

OK, I'm at the end of what I want to say. How do I conclude in some grand way? Maybe there isn't a grand conclusion. Maybe it's just enough to know I do have something to say and get on with making art!

The Wisemen's Gifts

"you'll get a live mouse for Christmas and like it. so there."
I was writing a comment on the above blog and as it turned into an essay, I decided to write it here instead.

My family was insane at Christmas.

I always ended up crying (emotional overload I think) and getting yelled at for it.

So, when our own were born we swore to tone it down. Since I knew I had the makings of Xmas Insanity in me, I made a rule -- we would give 3 gifts only to each kid. I figured if it was good enough for the baby Jesus, it was good enough for my kids.

I didn't eliminate Christmas insanity completely, but it hasn't been a yearly event!

Of course there was the year I raced around San Diego seaching for a playhouse for the kids on Christmas eve. I have no idea what made it so important, but there I was 30 miles from home buying a lovely yellow and orange Sesame Street themed plastic playhouse with built in slide, doors & windows that opened and a built in telephone.

We built it in their bedroom that night! I'm pretty sure they stayed asleep. The look of surprise the next morning was priceless. They were still playing in in when they entered middle school 10 years later!

My kids have sent their lists this year. My son, ever mindful of the cost of his sister's college education, even said we only had to get him one thing this year. But since my kids have been as precious to me as the baby the holiday is named for I'm sticking with 3.

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh anyone?

Sitting on My Duff

It was been a tough couple months.

I went out to an "wonderful" art weekend/glitterfest and didn't have a wonderful time. I was so excited about it and told lots of people - my friends, of course and folks like the tellers at my bank, my hairdresser, waitresses at my fav restaurant -- who all remember and have asked me. I hate having to say it was a disappointment. I hate that it was a disappointment. I put so much energy into it. The travel, getting things ready to sell, making things for a couple of swaps. And after all that it was such a let-down.

I meant to make things, sell things, be a dynamo when I returned and I find I am spending way too much time playing computer games and watching dvd's. It's like the disappointment has just sapped all my energy and I don't wanna do anything!

And the craziest thing is that the classes were fantastic. They were really world class. I learned so much stuff in them and made such wonderful things. And the teachers and special guest speakers were wonderful. They are women I have admired for years. Half of the books in my studio are written or published by them. I connected with the teachers, at least I felt they thought I was interesting. If I would get out of my self-pitying state, I might discover the connection was not short lived. Or I might not, of course.

But the whole problem with this weekend is I expected to feel a part of the group. It was billed as a place where one can find instant connection. Where people "get" you and the bonding is strong and lasting. No one got me. I felt no instant (or otherwise) bonding with women who I have read their blogs and they mine. I felt an outsider, not part of the group. No one came up to me and said, "Hi." Everyone was quite stand-offish and even the people I met at meals didn't make any effort to hang out with me.

On the way home I realized how tired of feeling lonely and isolated I am. I have real friends, but most of them do not get any of my art interests or style. I even called my best friend and asked her if there is something wrong with me that I didn't make any friends. She, of course, was no help at all! As she said, "how can I tell you why you didn't make any friends, I love you, I can't see why you wouldn't make friends."

Writing this all out is actually awfully helpful. I realize as I write that the issue really wasn't one of making friends. I really do have some wonderful friends, even if most of them live far away and I miss having them around to go out to lunch with. But the issue is feeling part of a group. Ever since moving to the East Coast 10 years ago, I have not felt part of any group. Back in CA I was part of a bunch of groups -- Girl Scouts, PTA, soccer moms, creative women who were also moms (yes, I do see the theme there). Here I haven't found any groups to be a part of. My kids are grown so PTA & Girl Scouts & AYSO just aren't my thing anymore. I really thought a group of artists and bloggers would be perfect. I thought because I read their blogs and they read mine that we were part of a group. Meeting them proved that was sadly not true. *sigh* Perhaps its telling that the teachers and speakers, who welcomed talking with me, are more my age. Most of the participants are probably 15+ years younger. And the ones my age were there with their daughters!

I'd actually love to return to this event next year. The classes really were amazing! Even with high expectations for those I don't think they would disappoint! But would I be able to enjoy it if I felt just as on the fringes as this year? I don't know. Would I go thinking it would be different cuz it was my second year and then be disappointed all over again? I am glad I went for the experience. It would be nice to say I'm glad I went for the experience and it was fantastic!